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Submitted on
September 22, 2012


5 (who?)

Let's talk about 50 Shades of Grey

Sat Sep 22, 2012, 5:26 PM

Alright, first off.

No, I haven't read them.

Now, lets move forward.

Back in January or February? I had this girl ask me if we had the book and I had no idea what it was. Anyways, I spent a good 20 minutes looking for it and we didn't have it. Maybe a week later I got a phone call asking for the 2nd book and we didn't have that yet or something.

Anyways, long story short, I knew something was up. Why were all these women suddenly asking about this damn book series. And maybe a couple days later, I saw a thread about it on Inheritance forums (the forums I use SOMETIMES).

I learned it was Twilight Fanfiction. Published Twilight Fan fiction.

Anyways, I discovered it was pretty much smut. The author was asked to publish and she just pretty much changed the names since it was an AU.

SO, I've spent the last several months judging everyone I see picking up the books at work (we have a book table right in front of my department) and asking how much the box set was.  I hadn't even read any excerpts  from them, but I figured that since it was Twlight fanfics, it had to be terrible and because it was full of smut and from was probably the typical and terribly written sex scene. Those ones where the writer is incapable of saying the words: vagina, dick, cock, penis etc etc and replaces them with manhood, member, sex, womanhood etcetc. Also, when they write out the actual length of the penis and all that other shit. Holy shit, don't do this people.

Not saying that they can't be done, it's just that most of the lemons are written by little girls who haven't had sex and are writing them based off what they have learned from other terrible smut fics. Basically a never ending circle of terribleness.

Some other things have happened, mostly seeing people read them in public (they have no fucking shame) and something else that gave me a heart attack.

I recently got a ereader, so yay light novels and such! I showed my mom and she asked if I could put books on her ereader (we got her the kobo Vox for christmas because she wanted something to play solitaire on). And she's just like, yea, put the Harry Potter books on, blah blah blha, and those FIFTY SHADES OF GREY books.

"No, you can't read those"
"Why? All the girls at work say they're good"
"But they aren't, it's twilight fanfictions with sex. I'd rather you read Twilight."

Yea, so I saved my family. I am the silent hero of the night here. Also, my mom knows what fics are since me and my sister talk about them all the time and my sister is writing a pretty popular Assassin's Creed fic right now.

ANYWAYS, much has happened today. I was listening to the radio at work and they started talking about there being a movie and how popular the books are.

Hold it.

A movie?


So I whip out my phone and text my friend who knows many things.

Me: Omg, they are making 50 shades of grey movie???? So even though twilight is ending, it will spiritually live on through this new fic series?

Her: Yea. And I'd like to see the rating, considering it's basically softcore porn.

Me: Isn't there bondage too?

Her: Yes. And the tampon scene.

Me: What fucking tampon scene.

Me: Actually. I don't want to know. Don't tell me.

Her: Skype says you are online. It will be easier for me to send you a scan of the page.

Me: ;-;

SO I get home from work and click her tumblr links. Omg, it was worse than I thought. I even found myself watching some readings of Youtube.

This girl is amazing:…

And this one too:…

So, I never have to read these books.


Just fucking watch porn. Or something. The girl in the first video says this. I agree. girls are allowed to watch porn. They suck, but are better than these books. Well...okay. Maybe not....a lot of porn is really fucking bad.

I'm sorry, this is coming from someone who is used to the most terrible of things. Fuck man, I've practically lived on 4chan for the last several years and have seen so much that I've become immune to a lot of it.  …, NSFW BTW. IT'S 4CHAN. AND /A/. SO CONFIRMED FOR BOOBS AND SHIT.

That's a link to the catalog of everything on /a/ right now. Which is the board I've lived on since March (and the reason why I never draw as often as I should). Nothing on there terrifies me more than this fucking series and how popular it is despite how terrible it is.

I am horrified.

How is this a published work?!?!?!

Omg, does this mean I am good to get published?  If this shit is, it should be easy as shit to get Project FALL on store shelves. Meanwhile, reality is that a lot of great writers don't get published. Something that terrifies me every single day.


I'm going to watch Kokoro Connect and then join a thread/work on my drawing project.


  • Listening to: Skyward Sword credits
  • Reading: Project FALL
  • Watching: Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood
  • Playing: Skyward Sword
  • Eating: Pasta
  • Drinking: Woody's
Add a Comment:
Triplecat Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012
Every second girl at my school is reading the damn things. Try 16 year olds rocking up to class with their copy sitting on top of their notebooks. Then hearing your History teacher mention that she's read all of them. It's really kinda horrible.
ElizaLento Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
That is terrible.

It's honestly almost like if guys walked around with playboys/talked about the latest issue or something.

I am horrified really.
Triplecat Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012
That is a perfect comparison, which really says horrible things about the whole thing. Ugh, I'm really getting sick of it.
LuAlMu102938 Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I agree, our classroom DESPISES the series. Even our secret language for b*tch/slut is "fifty shades of gray" or simply "50 gray"
SmudgeThistle Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist
:XD: Thanks for an entertaining read! Sometimes people have no taste. They think good stuff is bad and bad stuff is good. -_- Story of my life. Popularity is all chance.
Dragonheart27 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012
Oh gawd...published twilight fanfiction. Faith in humanity, down 20%. I have never heard of it before, but shall now take great pains in avoiding it.
deathpuppet13 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
my sister read the first book and when she explained it to me i was like WTF!!! How is that a book?? she just shook her head like it was some joke that had gone over my head. Well if that garbage can get published then my pg-13 garbage should be able to!!!
saphira3479 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012
i know exactly where youre coming from, my friends had told me all about it, so seeing it on sale for about 3 (WAY too expensive for that much rubbish in one book) i foolishly bought it. probably worst waste of 3 i have ever spent. honestly, i found it funny for the first 20 pages or so, in an ironic "how on earth can something written this badly be published" kind of way...then it sunk in there were at least another 300 pages left, and two other books after that. seriously, i dont think i was ever so disappointed in every person that has ever read that book. but well done for saving your family from that, you have saved a few from the rubbish that is 50 shades of grey. i salute you :salute:
whats almost as bad is that apparently they are re-writing the jane austen novels like pride and prejudice in a 50 shades style...:no:
ElizaLento Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
The worst is seeing people in public read them.

In a 50 shades style? How? Maybe that author is more competent or something. There's no way it could be...ALSO HOW DOES THAT WORK WITH JANE AUSTEN'S PLOT? Ever? I don't want to know these things.
saphira3479 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012
I know, its so awful :no: yeah, my friend (who really likes it...that was disappointing to find out) told me about it, I really dont see how but my god, it would be upsetting .___.
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